Chapter 1- Battling the Demons

This blog is in memory of my mom. A caring woman who loved her two children dearly but battled the demons of alcoholism everyday of her life. The only two things she lived for were, her children and alcohol. Until, on one sad day October 14th 2013 the alcohol had won the battle. She was a young 49 years old. She passed away from cirrhosis of the liver associated from being a lifelong alcoholic. She knew it and wrote about it everyday of her life. After she passed away I got the pleasure of finding her journals and notes. I wanted to complete one thing I found in her notes for her. "So, my new writing idea was to write a book about my DUI experience. About what led me up to that point, mainly stress and if I could help even just one person in this world, I feel it would help to tell my story." Well instead of a book. I thought I could touch more lives doing a blog. Plus it's free and you have to spend money on a book. Now there is no need to purchase a book. Everyone can share this blog with people they know and pass the word around about alcohol awareness much easier than passing a book around.

All my life I thought my mom was in denial about what was happening to her body. But after finding her journal and reading it. She knew exactly what was going on and just never told anyone. Her body was deteriorating from everyday alcohol consumption. "No one is worth feeling this lousy." She suffered from the DT's weekly. Lived in painful physical agony. Her drive to drink was so strong that nothing else in the world mattered to her except what was in her cup. She didn't want to feel this way. She wanted to feel better. But alcohol made her drink everyday of every month of every year. She wrote a lot about how she hated when other people around her drank. But somehow never realized that people around her hated when she drank. If she only got the help to give up alcohol could her life had been saved? "Will I ever be happy? Because I don't know if I ever have been." "Me, feel like a prisoner." She drank around 4-20 shots a day for 3 years near the end. Around $400 a month on alcohol, mostly vodka which was supplied to her by her boyfriend at the time. She started to drink around the clock at 5am when she would wake up each and every morning. Taking notes on how she felt, what she drank and how much she drank. It was a log she took to constantly remind her of what she was doing to herself.

My mom died a long painful agonising death to alcoholism. She battled that evil fight my entire life. It was painful to watch. I tried saving her with only to fail in the end. No one could save her except herself. And not until she was jaundice, in pain and on 18 different pills a day to keep her organs functioning did she realize that. But at that moment it was too late. She battled hallucinations, stomach pain, detoxing, shaking, vomiting, insomnia, voices in her head and a DUI.

She went from getting married and having two children to divorcing after 10 years of marriage. She then had many boyfriends for the rest of her life whom were all enablers. She needed someone who didn't drink but instead attracted herself to more alcoholics. "Relationship failures due to drinking." After almost twenty years of on again off again boyfriends she ended up moving back in with her parents. She was broke, had no home, no belongings and no one left to take her in. My grand parents then cared for her, fed her, put a roof over her head and tried very hard to get her to stop drinking for four years. They also failed at the mission just like everyone else. Only because no one could save her. She was the only one who had the power to save herself. "My thoughts are suppose to entice my feelings in order for me to change and change my life."

So here I am writing a blog that my mom never got to do while she was alive, for people who struggle with the same demons as she did. I am making this blog about the life of an alcoholic and the main outcome of it. It's negative effects on its victims and the ones close to the victims. My personal experiences, memories and thoughts on alcoholism. If you are reading this blog and you are an alcoholic or think you may be, I hope this blog saves your life and helps you get the help you need. If you are someone who has a loved one who battles alcoholism then I hope this blog brings you peace in knowing you're not alone. If you are a loved one of an alcoholic who is reading this blog then I hope it gives you strength to help the person you love to get help. Throughout this blog I will insert quotes that my mom wrote or said. They each mean something and they each touch me in some way. I have also inserted her actual handwritten notes from her journal throughout this blog as well. Even the front cover title is written in her handwriting. I want her quotes to touch people to make them aware that other people share similar thoughts and feelings and that they are not alone. Alcohol can make a person feel very alone. I felt by adding her actual hand written notes it makes the blog feel more real. So you can get to know how my mom felt and struggled by seeing her handwriting, how it changes from happy to sad and worried.